God Eater Diaries
by Strife Atreyu
Summary: So someone apparently had the bright idea to give journals to the god eaters...Can anybody say 'crack?
1. Wolf

**November 5**

Lindow's been back for a whole week now, and has been drinking beer like it's his lifeline. Yesterday, he got so drunk he fell asleep in the middle of the lobby after harassing Annette about her dress and telling her, and I quote, 'Yo' skirz ish sho short! I canz awmush she' yowr shuskiz! Woo!'. Unquote.

I video taped the whole thing and uploaded it into the Norn Database.

* * *

**November 6**

Got caught, and now Lindow's pissed at me, and Sakuya's pissed at both of us. Annette tried to beat me into a pulp with her hammer, and I nearly did die then. Federico wouldn't stop looking at her funny though, and thankfully, her ire was redirected to him. Last I saw of the guy was when she dragged him into the recreational facilities with a bundle of rope, and a set of kitchen knives I'm pretty sure she'd stolen from **MY** kitchen.

After calming down, Lindow asked me where Annette was so he could apologize, and I told him where I last saw her. Haven't seen him since.

...Eh...I'm sure he's fine.

* * *

**November 9**

Sakuya's getting worried. We've received complaints of chainsaws and screaming from the rookie barracks.

On the bright side, my beer is now safe. Ha!

* * *

**November 11**

I found Lindow and Federico in my room.

Both of them look near death. I think I better go get Kanon.

...

My door's locked...

* * *

**November 12**

Annette's in my room. She hit me over the head with her god arc and knocked me out for the next twelve hours.

I was later able to escape my bonds, and restrain her by using an ingenious mixture of glue, paper mache, shampoo and a monstrous amount of duct tape. She's glaring at me now.

Eh...I'm sure it'll hold.

...

It didn't hold so I hid in my closet.

* * *

**November 13**

I was saved a few hours later when Kanon came to visit and got Annette to stop trying to kill me. For some reason, the rookies and kids always listen to her.

Both of them tried to find me after that, but I was honestly still too scared to come out.

I was later coaxed to come out of hiding by Kanon's cookies.

...I like cookies...so I wiggled out of the duct tape I used to strap myself to the ceiling and crashed down on Annette upon dislodging myself.

I'm such a good mentor.

* * *

**November 17**

Cookies are awesome. Annette baked me some as an apology for trying to kill me the other day. Man Code strictly demands I accept her apology and treat her as a bro/sis now.

...I think one of the cookies just moved. I was honestly freaked out so I locked it into my mini fridge after that. I'm sure the cold will kill it...eventually.

* * *

**November 18**

Apparently, Annette somehow got Dr. Sakaki to infuse the basket of cookies with oracle cells. I later came to that conclusion when I woke up today and opened my fridge to grab a drink, and I came upon the sight of a dozen or so chocolate-chips eating my leftover pizza.

I was horrified.

I was saving that pizza for later!

One of them tried to jump me, and the rest followed suit.

I spent the afternoon in the medical bay with reported bite marks on my arms and face.

Annette came by, and she looked positively smug.

Rage mode activate.


	2. Soma

**March 12**

I hate this job.

* * *

**April 4**

Wow, Soma. One sentence for a whole month?

-Kota

* * *

**April 8**

I'm very...I'm kinda...no...I'm a little...I'm slightly...

Sigh...I'm not surprised.

-Sakuya

* * *

**April 13**

Hey, Soma. I took some of your beer rations. I hope you don't mind.

thanks,  
-Lindow

* * *

**April 14**

What the hell are you people doing?! Stop going into my room without my permission! Stop going into my room, period!

* * *

**April 17**

Well, this is interesting.

-Sakaki

* * *

**April 20**

Hey, doc!

-Kota

* * *

**April 23**

I declare Soma's diary the first unit's forum. You guys think he'll mind?

-Wolf

* * *

**April 25**

Well, it's not like he ever uses it. I'm sure he's fine with it.

-Alisa

* * *

**April 29**

Screw you all. I'm hiding this thing where no one can find it.

* * *

**April 30**

Found it.

-Alisa

* * *

**April 31**

Oh, so this is where you hid it.

-Kota

* * *

**May 3**

What a cliche hiding spot. Under your bed? Really?

-Lindow

* * *

**May 5**

I fucking hate this job.


	3. Alisa

**June 23**

I woke up today to Kota digging around my closet for some unethical reason. I took particular notice of his raiding my unmentionables.

I was not pleased.

-Alisa

* * *

**June 24**

I spent the day chasing after the perverted monkey, and finally cornered him in, strangely enough, the girl's restroom. I suspect he went in there with the idea that I would never think to look in it. It would have worked, actually, but when a lady, more specifically, Tsubaki, opened the door to the cubicle he was hiding in...well...

...He learned his lesson. No further punishment will be administered.

-A satisfied new-type

* * *

**June 30**

Leader's been acting weird, lately. I've heard him muttering nonsense about cookie demons or something of the sort, and when Kanon-chan offered him a basket of her freshly baked cookies, he started screaming that he would be a good boy. That was strange considering he would usually jump into a pit of acid for a single thin mint.

I wonder what happened to him.

-Alisa

* * *

**July 3**

Kota told me he owned some land in the nearby ghettos. Skeptical, I told him to show it to me.

That 'plot of land' was something he had apparently found, invaded, annihilated its settlers (a few ants and one spider overlord) and declared it his.

Currently, there is a half a meter long patch of dirt in the backyard of his house dubbed 'Kota Land'.

-An exasperated gods eater

* * *

**July 4**

Leader was apparently hospitalized today - something about extreme sugarphobia nearly giving him a heart attack. Kanon-chan was apparently exasperated and decided to help him get over his fears herself.

Their conversation went something like this.

"Suck it up!" **SLAP**

"Ow!"

"Suck," **SLAP** "It," **SLAP** "Up!" **SLAP**

"What the fuck, you crazy bitch?!"

"SUCK IT UP!" **SLAP**

"Okay! Okay! Just **please** stop!"

Leader is usually a very apathetic person.

Seeing him crying was something I found both disturbing and amusing.

-Alisa

* * *

**July 6**

I found Saya-chan stalking Soma in the hallway. I thought she might have developed a crush on him, so I had told her to just tell it to him and to get it over with. She looked reluctant, but I was eventually able to bribe her to do it with a week's worth of cake.

Instead of a confession, however, she had apparently admitted to being the one that had somehow accidentally mixed the pink hair dye into his shampoo supply.

Only when Soma tried to visibly choke hold the girl did I notice how pink his scalp was.

-Alisa

* * *

**July 9**

My hair is pink!

PINK!

Do you know how humiliating this is?!

-A murderously angry Soma

* * *

**July 10**

How is that humiliating? My hair's naturally pink and I'm not embarrassed!

-Saya

* * *

**July 12**

What are you two doing?! It's my diary! Stay out of it! It's private!

-Alisa

* * *

**July 13**

You turned mine into a forum. You've got no right to complain, hypocrite.

-Soma

* * *

**July 14**

Leader was the one who declared that. Mess with his diary!

**Entry no. 2**

No one knows where nii-chan keeps his diary.

-Saya

* * *

**July 18**

I tried to find it. Do you know he booby traps his room?

-Kota

* * *

**July 19**

I'll have to take some credit for that. I think I made him jumpy from stealing his beer rations.

-Lindow

* * *

**July 20**

I'm paranoid for a good reason. Stay out of my room or I'll activate the squirrel traps next.

-A very miffed Wolf

**Entry no.2**

All of you get out of my diary!  
-Alisa

* * *

**July 22**

No.

-Soma

-Lindow

-Kota

-Saya

-Wolf

**XxXxX**

**And done! I hope this one was at least as funny as the last.**

**Next chapter- Diary Wars! War is Declared!  
**

**Diary wars are now commencing! No diary is safe now! Beware your enemies...and suspect your allies.  
**


	4. Author's Note

**JULY 30**

**Due to the recent removal of the author's funny bone via medical surgery, this fic has been officially discontinued. Strife sends his most sincere apologies to the enthusiasts of this humor story (however UN-humorous it may be) and humbly wishes for them to understand his grief over the failure of his trigonometry exam (and the consequential grounding from his father that followed after).**

**Kind regards,**  
** -Wolf Arashi**

**P.S: I never had a fear over cookies...I was just...surprised...yeah...**


	5. Kota

**August 2**

Leader's being punished by both Tsubaki and Strife-san for breaking the fourth wall, and setting up a false author's note. I don't know what they're doing, but by the screams of agony I could hear, I don't think whatever's happening inside those doors is pleasant...nor meant to be seen by public eyes.

Sucks to be Wolf right now.

- Kota

* * *

**August 4**

Kanon's been fretting all over the Den, trying to find Wolf. It's been two days ever since he had that nice 'chat' with the author and our ultra scary supervisor, and honestly, I'm starting to get worried as well. No Wolf means no punchline, and no punchline means no humor.

What's a humor story without humor? It's like pizza without cheese or a bachelor party without the stripper hiding inside the cake.

- Kota

Entry no. 2

Really? Is that all my brother is to you? A cheap joke or two?

- Saya

Entry no. 3

Pretty much.

- Kota

P.S: How the heck did you get into my room?

Entry no.4

Since when were you so heartless?

- Soma

Entry no. 5

I've been on the bad end of every goddamn practical joke known to man. I've been maimed, beaten, maimed and then beaten, kicked in my crotch, stabbed, smacked, rolled over, and let's not forget been forced into doing things most men would prefer death over. Excuse me if I'm a little overjoyed at not being the proverbial punching bag for a single measly chapter.

- Kota

* * *

**August 10**

Leader's been found. Alisa was a bit surprised to find him shivering in her closet, muttering something about demons and being a good boy. It's the second time I've seen this happen, and it's still kinda creepy.

- Kota

**Entry no. 2**

You would think that Leader would've been sent to the mental institute with all the traumatic things he experiences.

- Soma

**Entry no. 3**

I checked his medical records. He was sent to one in the past...three times actually. On the first two times he was sent, he escaped, and on the third time, the doctors kicked him out. It says here he made some sorta fart bomb out of materials from the bathroom, and it ended up being so effective that everyone in the building fell into a coma for three days at the very least, and two weeks at the very worst.

On the second occasion, he scraped together all the gum underneath the benches, walked down from the third floor, and somehow got other patients to think of him as the second coming of Jesus Christ.

On the third occasion, the doctors just banned him from coming anywhere near them after he...placed...rabid squirrels in the staff's living quarters...

...I'm gonna have a long talk with Wolf after this...

- Sakuya

**Entry no. 4**

Why does that guy have a girlfriend again? I mean I get the not-so straight line of rationality, and understand but he suffers a traumatic prank from the universe every other week - I'd have thought any sane girl would get tired of it.

- Lindow

**Entry no. 5**

Surprisingly, it's endearing.

- Kanon

* * *

**August 12**

I believe the contents of a diary is to be written and trusted to remain private, thus I wish to confess my own guilty pleasure, and write it upon these pages.

I have a crush on Alisa.

I think about Alisa in the shower.

I steal glances at Alisa's ass.

I even stalk Alisa when I can. In the bath, in the toilet, when she's sleeping, when she's changing - etcetera.

I now confirm that Alisa either has white hair in her genes or she's **really** thorough when she dyes her hair.

- Kota

**Entry no. 2**

...What...the hell...?

- A very disturbed Lindow

**Entry no. 3**

Pray I don't find you, otherwise, we'll be finding out if using a god arc for simulated oral will be anywhere near pleasant.

Personally, I doubt it.

- Alisa

**Entry no. 4**

...Er...I don't think Kota wrote that. His handwriting is completely different...and wasn't he sent on that mission to escort a supply caravan? He's at the other side of the country right now...

But he really should try to hide his diary better...

- Saya

**Entry no. 5**

...Looking back at it, you're right, Saya-chan. I don't think Kota can use 'thus', 'I believe' and 'wish to confess'...

We've got an impostor... an impostor I fully plan to castrate...

- A vengeful female

* * *

**August 13**

People impersonating Kota?

...Tch...the world's gone to hell.

- Soma


	6. Saya

**August 16**

It's been three days since Alisa-chan's hunt for the impostor started. During that time, she's somehow dragged all the members of the first unit into her troubles, including nii-chan and I.

Speaking of nii-chan, he's back to his old, dark self. Props to Kanon-chan - it took me years to get used to his natural emo, though I'm proud to say I've accepted that trait of his and grown to love him in all his 'Cloud Strife darkness'.

- Saya

* * *

**August 20**

Alisa-chan's gone to extremes in trying to find the impostor. She's gone crazy, actually...bat-shit crazy, as Soma-kun would say.

- Saya

Entry no. 2

I'm not sure why, but I found her hiding above the cafeteria ceiling just now...

- Saya

Entry no. 3

I can see her panties. Mmm...what a nice ass she has. Her stockings are eliciting a strangled pleasure inside my collection of fetishes...ooh...how I wish to ravish her. A girl's night out...perhaps Kanon-chan would be interested in joining...tee-hee.

- Saya

* * *

**August 21**

...Excuse me?

- A confused Kanon

Entry no. 2

Oh, dear, innocent Kanon-chan! Has nii-san been treating you well? How is he in bed? Do you want me to...show you how pleasurable another girl's company can be? I guarantee you won't be disappointed.

Of course, my touch will soothe you in ways you cannot imagine. You might feel too much pleasure and forget the experience altogether. But oh...how I wish to cover every pore of you with ramen just so I could have an excuse to suck on your supple flesh.

...Ooh...

- Saya

Entry no. 3

...that was the impostor...right?

Please tell me that was the impostor...

- Soma

Entry no. 4

...I swear, I did not write that...

Alisa-chan, you've got yourself a believer in your endeavor to find this impostor...

- the REAL Saya

Entry no. 5

I feel your pain.

- Alisa

Entry no. 6

But just to be safe, please stay away from me for a while...

- Kanon

* * *

**August 22**

It's fine if you wanna experiment.

- Wolf

Entry no. 2

Really? If I suddenly said I'm a lesbian and made out with your little sister, you would be fine with that?

- Kanon

Entry no. 3

So long as I'm there to watch.

- Wolf

Entry no. 4

...Just to clarify, I'm a little disturbed by that...

- Saya

* * *

**August 23**

Nii-chan was acting wierd...er...today.

He was a lot less aloof today, and was smiling a lot.

I think he cracked again, so I got him to sign up for a therapy appointment with someone with a really weird name. I'm not sure if he's a therapist...but frankly, I'm desperate for a little more sanity for nii-chan's already lacking psyche, and the guy was in a suit.

Still...

I wonder who names their child 'Man, Slend R.'

- Saya

Entry no. 2

He'll be fine. I mean it's not like Mr. Man is some sorta supernatural creature that exists in a superior plane of reality, also capable of devouring souls, right?

- Kota

Entry no. 3

...Is it just me or is there an ominous feeling within the air?

- Alisa

* * *

**August 24**

Brendan-san got drunk today, and it wasn't a very pretty sight.

You see, he, Gina-chan and Shun were talking around the table. Apparently, Lindow had forgotten one of his beers, and Shun dared them to drink some of it. When Brendan-san took a sip...

He got shit-faced, and tried to molest every girl within the vicinity... just like that. Brendan-san, good with a sword as he is, cannot for the life of him, hold his liquor. Who knew he was such a lightweight?

- Saya

Entry no. 2

It was actually pretty funny. Brendan's one of those 'wild drunks'. Usually he's so uptight, but a dose of alcohol pretty much gave him a 180 in demeanor.

If I recall correctly, the first thing he did was ask if he could 'feel Gina's airbags'. He got slapped for that.

After that, he challenged O'Mori for 'the right to knock Hibari up'. He got a slap and a kick to the face for that.

Finally, he wouldn't stop spouting pick-up lines to you, and Wolf got a bit overprotective and kicked him in the crotch.

I get the feeling he's gonna have a headache tomorrow.

- Lindow

Entry no. 3

Just to be clear, I blame you for that, Lindow.

- Sakuya

Entry no. 4

...Does that mean no 'zoom zoom' tonight?

- Lindow

* * *

**August 25**

I noticed Brendan-san wasn't anywhere to be seen today.

I wonder what's keeping him locked in his room: the hangover or the unbearable shame?

- Saya

Entry no. 2

Both.

- Kanon


End file.
